Shit You Should Know

Y'all motherfuckers don't know a lot of shit

7 notes

boldgentleman asked: So, Mr Smart, you think you are smarter than me? Then tell me, why aren't you publishing your stuff on Youtube, yet? You'd have more followers and moneh. Also where can one get your email addy?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Sup.

We have over a thousand employees at SYSK, but the best email address for further correspondence is sexyassgenius@gmail.com.  That is a real email address.  Emails sent to that address are read immediately by our lowest level employees (oddly intelligent dolphins, Harvard grads, Drew Carey, etc.) and forwarded up the chain of command if greater scrutiny is needed.  

Our expense limit for Youtube videos is currently zero dollars, as the entirety of our three trillion dollar operating budget is allocated to employee salaries and benefits.  As for the moneh to which you refer, thanks but we already have plenty.  Too much, even.  You can only buy so many sapphire-encrusted neti pots before you’re like “fuck, I have a lot of bullshit tchotchkes strewn about in the back seat of my private helicopter.”  You dig?

Also, yes.  I’m smarter than you are.

Thanks for writing.

Regards,

The Ghost of Neil Armstrong

Assistant Vice-President, Bullshit Email Answering Division, SYSK

26 notes

Words You Fuck Up, Episode 384: Peruse

Guess what, dickducks? Y’all been fucking up the word peruse for a long damn time.  You think it goes like this:

Peruse, verbto half-assedly read some shit without paying attention and in so doing to perhaps gain a cursory understanding of a given topic (dumb fuck definition)

And then you’ve been using it like this:

Oh me oh my mommy, how will I ever find the time to finish my English homework?  I’ll be lucky if I even get to peruse the Dickens we’ve been assigned, what with my commitments to The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser, and The Real Housewives Of My Pubes!  Golly wee-wee willikers!


Surprise, surprise: that’s not what peruse means.  Check it out:

Peruse, verbto read/examine carefully (actual functioning human definition)

Proper usage:

Tina: I love Kanye West’s work unabashedly and without exception.

Mohammed: I once felt the same way, but after I perused the lyrical content of his œuvre, I found that he too often veers into the casual misogyny that permeates much of rap culture.  So, while I let my body rock to the almost magically intoxicating combination of Kanye’s lyrics and music, I still feel the hard weight of embarrassment and guilt that come with tacitly endorsing the patriarchy by consuming this sort of entertainment.  I hold out hope for the next era of rap music, an era that embraces all versions of womanhood and manhood.

Tina: Yeah, I feel that.

Whoooopsie daisy.  Just blew up your beautiful face with a knowledge grenade.

Filed under grammar kanye patriarchy feminism usage genius

67 notes

There v. They’re v. Their

Sup dicks.

Big mommas and papas back up in this bitch, spreading knowledge like yo skinny aunt spreads margarine on that gluten-free toast.

We talkin’ homophones.

There, They’re, and Their all sound the same, but they signify different shit.  Stop fucking this shit up.  It makes yo breath smell bad.

There answers the question Where?  Those words look alike, so that’s one way to remember their relationship.

Proper usage:

Talib: Yo Qiang, where my motherfucking Cheetos at?

Qiang: Chill the fuck out, my dude.  Reach in my bag where I keep my knitting needles.  Them shits is in there.


They’re is a contraction, short for they are.  

Proper usage:

Qiang: Where ma dawgs at?

Talib: They’re in ma herb garden, brah.  Your poodle just pissed on my marjoram.  Fuck.

Their is a possessive; it means belonging to previously specified people (or things).

Proper usage:

Talib:  Yo Qiang, you enjoy the works of Joel and Ethan Coen?

Qiang: I dunno, man.  I’m always drawn in by their masculine whimsy, but from time to time their style seems to overwhelm the story.  Knowmsayin?

Talib:  I feel you, brah.


HAPPY NEW YEAR, butt-turkeys.

Filed under grammar they're their there dumb fucks smart fucks ducks

37 notes

.9 repeating equals 1

Don’t flip the fuck out.

First, let’s agree that a number can be represented in many ways.  4/2, 30-28, and .5 x 4 all are equivalent to 2.  50/150, 2/6, and .3 repeating are all equivalent to 1/3.  I’m going to assume that everyone is cool with that.

Now, let’s get to some relatively simple arguments in favor of this idea.

Algebraic argument:

Let x equal .999999999…Then 10x would equal 9.9999999999….We therefore have the following:

10x=9.99999999…

-(x=.999999999…..)

__________________

9x=9

x=1

We started with x=.99999….but ended with x=1.  We violated no laws of algebra or arithmetic, so blam: .9999999…=1.

Number Theory argument:

If .9 repeating and 1 are not equal, there must be some value that is between them.  That is to say, one way I know that .8 repeating is not equal to 1 is that the number .9 is between .8 repeating and 1.  Try to think of a number between .9 repeating and 1.  I’ll wait.

Multiplicative fucking argument:

We’d all agree that 1/3=.3 repeating, right? (If you’re unsure, do the long division.  If you disagree, you’re a dickmonkey.  Stop reading this blog and check into a zoo, where you can throw shit at strangers for the rest of your animal life.)

Ok.  What is .3 repeating times 3?  .9 repeating.

What is 1/3 times 3? 3/3.  What’s another way of saying 3/3? 1.

Pow.

Sonofabitching Additive argument:

1/9 =.1 repeating

8/9 =.8 repeating

ADD THEM TOGETHER

9/9 = .9 repeating.

What’s another way to say 9/9? ONE.

_____________________________________________

I understand that this idea may cause some discomfort.  It is perhaps an instinct to believe that .99999999…”gets infinitely closer to 1.”  But a numerical value doesn’t get closer to anything; it is where it is.  It is true that .9 is not as close to 1 as .99, which is, in turn, not quite as close as .999, but .9 repeating has an infinite number of 9’s, no matter how many of those 9’s you write down.

Doesn’t make sense?  Ask me about it.  

Disagree?  I double dog dare you to prove me wrong.

SUCK FARTZ, HATERZ.

39 notes

Reader Submission: The Immaculate Mis-Conception

Whenever people reference the “Immaculate Conception,” you can be almost certain they’re misspeaking.  This misconception is an epidemic, and it’s some shit y’all should know.     

I went to Catholic school for a bazillion years, so the ubiquitous misuse of this phrase is a longstanding pet peeve of mine.  The erroneous definition- that it refers to Mary’s pregnancy with Jesus- is SO widely accepted, that when I correct people (which I do with charming frequency at Mass, or at parties, or during sex) they never believe me.  The correct definition of the Immaculate Conception refers to MARY being conceived IN HER MOTHER.  Catholic doctrine believes that Mary was conceived without Original Sin, thus making her the only human vessel on earth who would later be fit to bear God’s child.  The Immaculate Conception has nothing to do with Jesus.    

A hypothetical secular parallel:  I visit home, preggo to the max.  My mom says, “Cathryn, you unmarried slut, that unborn baby better be the product of an Immaculate Conception.”  I say, “No, mom.  There hasn’t been an Immaculate Conception in this family since YOU were born, lily white, sweet and sinless.  I, on the other hand, have been givin it away all over Tijuana, under my street name, ‘Our (Filthy) Lady of Guadalupe.’”  Then I tell her I have Hep C, she starts crying, and the whole analogy becomes highly unpleasant.     

And don’t bother fact-checkin’ in your Bible.  It isn’t in scripture; it’s one of the four Roman Catholic Marian Dogmas, proclaimed de fide definita by Pope Pius IX.  

Submitted by C. Mudon, who blogs over at cathrynmudon.tumblr.com.  Check it out.

You have something to submit?  CLICK ON THIS SHIT.


5 notes

Anonymous asked: Hey Mr. Smartybrains, settle this 4 decade long fight I'm having with a peep. My best friend in 3rd grade and I got into a cussing discourse about which is proper usage when referring to our best-friendship. We stopped being best buddies over it and still haven't resolved our difference.

He said that when speaking of ourselves, we should say "you and I."

I said it should be "me and you."

Help a shit knowing brother out.

Mr. Questions,

It’s hard to know which of you is right without the rest of your sentence.  Both of those constructs are appropriate in different contexts.  Here are a couple of ways to sort out when to use “me” and when to use “I”:

1. “When in doubt, leave it out.”  If you’re not sure which pronoun is appropriate, leave its partner out of the sentence and sound the sentence out.

Yo Jennifer Connelly, you and I/me should go on some dates.  We have a lot of shit in common.

You and I should go on some dates? Sounds ok.

You and me should go on some dates? Sounds like the fucking Cookie Monster.  You think Jennifer Connelly wants to date a fucking puppet?  Don’t be a shitbrain; she epitomizes class, beauty, and good taste, you dumb motherfucker.

In the sentence in question, use “I”.  Make sense?

2.  If that rule is too tricky for you, or if you’re lazy, you can try a technique that’s correct about 90%* of the time: toward the beginning of the sentence, use “I”, and toward the end of the sentence, use “me”.  ”I” is a subject, and subjects tend to be needed early in a sentence; “me” is an object, and objects usually receive the action late in the sentence.

Finally, you could also read THIS FUCKING POST, which illuminates yet another method for choosing between these pronouns.

*This statistic is bullshit.

11 notes

First Than, then Then

We got a lot of questions about this common confusion.  Easy to fix this shit.

Than should be used for comparisons (more/less than, taller/shorter than, better endowed/less well-endowed than, etc.).  Then should be used for everything else, most commonly to mean either “next” or “at that time”.  It might be helpful to remember that “then tells you when” something happens.  Or not.  Whatever.

Proper usage:

Thomas Edison: I told one of my ladies that she was crazy to think that I would spend Valentine’s day with just one woman.  I said, “Come on, baby.  I invented so much shit.  Ladies be killin’ themselves just to sniff my cologne.  I’m more famous than Lewis Miller, inventor of the first combine.  I gotta spread my electricity around to all the pretty light bulbs.”  And you know what?  Right then, that lady punched me in my dick.

Happy Valentine’s Day, ass-rabbits.


13 notes

october-eightyeight asked: "the steel rod conducts the heat out of your body much faster than the wooden rod does. So, even though both rods are the same temperature, the steel rod feels colder because it conducts the heat out of your body so quickly." So, assuming the steel rod is 40 degrees and the wooden rod is 40 degrees (for example), does that mean that the way that the steel rod feels is actually the way that 40 degrees feels to us...but felt more swiftly than wood allows (hence the way steel "feels" colder)? I want to clarify: if we feel that something is colder (eg. if 40 degrees feels like 36), then is it just our bodies tripping out because of how swiftly the heat is displaced? This seems about right, but it still doesn't make real sense to me. Anyway, awesome original response to this question.

Tigress,

I think the answer to your question is yes: our bodies trip the fuck out because of the rapid heat loss.  Rapid heat loss is much more noticeable than gradual heat loss (now I am officially talking out of my ass).  Imagine, for example, going from a hot tub directly into a cold swimming pool, versus going from the hot tub to a designated cooling station and then into a cold pool.  In the latter situation, the body feels little stress, whereas in the first, the shock of the pool can be pretty uncomfortable.  In this regard, think of the steel rod as the “hot tub to cold pool” example: the heat rushes out of us so fast that it’s jarring.  REPEAT: I am officially relying on my ass to answer this question.

Incidentally, this potential temperature shock is the reason that the shityoushouldknow office hot tub is immediately adjacent to a slightly-less-hot tub, which is in turn adjacent to a kind-of-hot tub, and so on, ending in a swimming pool full of lime sherbet and ladies with both professionally fine badonkadonks and Ph.D.s in Smartness.

Meow,

SYSK

9 notes

Anonymous asked: Wind Chill. What the fuck?
What the fuck is up with Wind Chill factor? It pisses me off when the news or weather service reports that it's such-and-such degrees but "with the wind chill", it's more like ten degrees colder, or whatever.
Now, I'm not a complete sprinkle genie. I get that the wind blows, and shit gets colder. But why then doesn't that change the fucking temperature? If the wind is cooling things down from 32 degrees to 27 degrees, then why isn't it just 27 degrees?
Are thermometers just fucking stupid or what?

Also, should 'wind chill' be capitalized?

-Hagop

This question is dope, Hagop.  Why?  Two reasons: I didn’t know the answer, and I’ve often wondered the same damn shit.

I did some research, but most of the links I came to on the web were bullshit that sounded like the authors were as unsure as I was.  I asked some scientists, and most of their answers were also lacking.  Finally, an astrophysicist friend of mine (that’s how I fucking roll, y’all) gave me an explanation that satisifies.  Allow me to enlighten you.

First, let’s start with the idea that things can feel like one temperature, but actually be another temperature.  If you’re in a cold-ass room and you touch a wooden rod with your right hand, it may feel cold, but it won’t feel nearly as cold as a steel rod in the same room.  Why? Well, assuming the temperature throughout the room is constant, the reason is conductivity: the steel rod conducts the heat out of your body much faster than the wooden rod does.  So, even though both rods are the same temperature, the steel rod feels colder because it conducts the heat out of your body so quickly.

Now, humans are surrounded by a thin layer of warm air that’s constantly generated by our bodies.  That air insulates us from the cold outside.    When the winter (AL-) wind (-LIT-) blows that warm (-ERA-) air off of us, we (-TION*, bitch) feel the cold temperature faster, or rather, we lose heat more rapidly than we would have otherwise.  The weather gods, or whoever, have a formula that takes that rate of heat loss with wind and compares it to regular heat loss without wind.  That is, when the temperature is 35, but it feels like 29, the formula is telling you that the wind is causing you to lose heat as if it were actually 6 degrees cooler than it truly is.  Don’t get it twisted: the temperature is real.  In the example above, the real temperature is above the freezing point of water (32 degrees), so water won’t freeze, even though it “feels like” 29. ”Feels like” (which is basically wind chill in the winter) is a measure of how the wind makes you lose heat faster. 

Rapid heat loss caused by wind chill (or by anything else) is bad as a motherfucker.  While inanimate objects can’t be brought below the actual temperature, the human body works hard to keep itself at a livable temperature, and that work can increase the risk of some nasty shit, like frostbite or hypothermia.

In hot weather, btdubs, “feels like” primarily accounts for the effect of humidity (which forces us to retain heat) on our bodies.

And finally, don’t capitalize “wind chill”.  Got it?

Just slapped that shit like it was Irene on Real World: Seattle.

*Alliteration, bitch.

15 notes

Anonymous asked: What's the deal with much and many? Ones plural right?

Good question, though you owe us an apostrophe.

Short answer: as a general rule, use “much” with singular nouns and “many” with plural nouns.

Long answer: some things can be counted, like hours (there are 24 of them in a day), and some things can’t, like time (“I have 5 time” is fucking stupid).  If the focus of your discussion is countable, use “many”.  If it’s not countable, use “much”.  There are other words that obey this rule:

Countable:

Many

Number

Fewer

Uncountable:

Much

Amount

Less

If I’m ever unsure which list to draw from, I think to myself “could I have 69 of these motherfuckers?”  If the answer is yes, then I pull from the “countable” list.  If the answer is no, I pull from the uncountable list.

Example:

Damn girl, you have an overwhelming number of tattoos on your lower back.  (Could she have 69 motherfucking tattoos?  Yep.  Them shits is countable.)

Second example:

Damn girl, the amount of love I feel fo’ yo’ sister is making me question the virtues of being in a monogamous relationship.  (Could you have 69 love?  Hell no.  Uncountable.)

Third example:

Aw shit, there is too much juice up in this screwdriver.  I ain’t never gonna get crunk.  (Could I have 69 juice?  Nope.  Uncountable.)

Fourth example:

Hey, shityoushouldknow staff, thanks for giving us so many examples of this shit.  We will send you money and naked pictures of ourselves. (Yep, we could have 69 examples.  Don’t test us.)

Note: for some people the distinction between countable and uncountable is tricky.  ”Couldn’t I count juice?”  No, motherfucker.  You can’t count juice.  You can count juiceS.  

Example:

I have an aquarium full of juice.  Is that amount too much?  CORRECT.

Another fucking example:

I have 69 different juices.  Is that number too many?  CORRECT.

Slayed that shit like it was a Minotaur.

3 notes

Anonymous asked: I don't know the difference between further and farther. What the fuck?

Yo, Anonymous, you didn’t read THIS POST.  What the fuck is up with that?

9 notes

How to write a fucking list:

Peep this, motherfuckers.  Similar ideas should be expressed similarly.  In a list, structures should be identical, or if they are not identical, should have a damn good reason for being different.  Grammar honeyz call this precept Parallelism.  

Example:

I like giving high-fives,  fist bumps, and sharing a firm handshake.  INCORRECT (because no similar structure appears in the “fist bumps” portion of the list, “sharing” is non-parallel)

I like giving high-fives, fist bumps, and firm handshakes. CORRECT

I like giving high-fives, pounding fist bumps, and sharing firm handshakes. CORRECT (if you don’t mind the phrase “pounding fist bumps”)

Second example:

Damn girl, you got eyes like deep blue pools, lips like plush pink pillows, and you have breath like salmon steak seasoned with dill.  INCORRECT (“you have” doesn’t belong in the “breath” section…and one should probably avoid complimenting a girl’s breath, unless one is a fucking weirdo)

Damn girl, you got eyes like deep blue pools, lips like plush pink pillows, and dumps like a truck.  CORRECT

Nailed that shit like Bob motherfucking Vila.

22 notes

Uninterested and disinterested are fucking different.

Yes, language changes, but if we have two words with different meanings, we shouldn’t combine those meanings.  Doing so makes shit confusing. So…

Uninterested adjective, not giving a shit, indifferent

Proper usage:

Pimp: I like it when prostitutes from my stable of prostitutes wear gold teeth, blonde wigs, and high-heeled shoes with fish that swim around in the heels. Should one of my prostitutes fail to wear all three of these wardrobe components, she will be met with stern harangues.  As for the rest of their outfits, I am utterly uninterested.  They can wear whatever outerwear they prefer.

Disinterested adjective, impartial, not taking sides

Proper usage:

We decided to have a robot adjudicate our marital disagreements because we wanted to have a disinterested judge.  Little did I know that my wife had been fucking that robot for 6 months.

HIGHFIVEBITCH

15 notes

natedern asked: Earlier today I was boiling some water on the stove to make tea. I forgot about it. When I remembered, the water was all gone and the (glass) pot was super hot. So I put it in the sink to cool it down. As soon as it touched the cold water, it instantly shattered. Why the fuck did that happen? I suspect physics has something to do with it.

This question is a good-ass question.  First of all, NEVER put super-hot glass on something cold.  When glass gets hot as shit (in an oven, in a microwave, or on a stovetop, etc.), it undergoes thermal expansion.  When it gets cold, it contracts.  Ovenproof glassware is meant to be resistant to expansion, but it’s not totally immune to the laws of physics.  

If your kettle was hot enough to have boiled off all the water, it must have been pretty fucking hot (thermal expansion can be enough to shatter glass, so it’s a minor miracle that you didn’t have that problem on your hands).  When you poured cold water on it, you created a new problem: uneven temperature.  Parts of your kettle had reached close to maximum expansion, and now you were forcing whatever parts were in contact with the cold water to contract.  Cold water would normally cause contraction, but the speed of contraction (and stress on the glass) was compounded by the drastic change in temperature, from hot as shit to cold as fuck.  Furthermore, the coldness was unevenly distributed (limited to where cold water was in contact with the kettle), so some parts of the kettle were expanding while others were contracting.  That’s how shit shatters.

In the future, you might try:

  1. Using a steel kettle, though you can still damage steel by taking it from hot to cold.  Steel typically warps, which is better than shattering.
  2. Letting your hot shit cool down on its own before you expose it to cold shit.  Probably best, when removing a glass kettle from heat, to put it on a a wooden (not metal) trivet, so the contrast in temperatures is minimized.
  3. Not ignoring some shit that is cooking on your stovetop while you watch Golden Girls re-runs.

Yeah, bro.  You’re lucky that all your shit is still intact.

Also, a disclaimer: I don’t really know shit about this.  If you follow my advice and get glass in your ball-sack, I’m not going to court for it.

BLAM.

17 notes

The shitty divisibility rule for 7

So everyone can stop crawling up my ass with emails like these:

  • Yo, you mentioned the rule for 7 in your last post.  When are you gonna get at that shit? -Jamal Robeson, Detroit
  • Damn, B.  You piqued my curiosity, then left me hanging.  What the fuck? -His Holiness, the Dalai Lama
  • Pleasepleaseplease call me.  My number is [REDACTED].  I would do some insane shit to your lithe, olive-skinned body. -Susan Boyle

I’ma hit you with the rule for 7.  It’s basically useless, but it exists, in spite of the ignorance of 4th grade teachers worldwide.

Here it is:

  1. Take the last digit of your original number and cross it out.
  2. Multiply that crossed-out number by two and subtract that product from the part of your original number that remains, uh, uncrossed-out.
  3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you arrive at a one-digit number.  If that number is 7, 0, or -7, then dance, motherfucker: your original number was divisible by 7.  

For example:

Is 1568 divisible by 7?

Cross out the last digit: 1568

Multiply that digit by 2: 8x2=16

Subtract that result from the remaining part of the original number: 156-16=140.

Repeat: 140

0x2=0

14-0=14

Repeat again: 14

4x2=8

1-8=-7  Hooray!  PARADECONFETTISUPERBOWLHOLYSHITCELEBRATE.  Your number is divisible by 7.

Now send me that money, y’all, cause I just changed yo life.  

Now I’ma go dial up Susan Boyle.  She ain’t never dreamed a dream like the ones I’ma give her.  Gonna run my fingers all THROUGH that hair.